A Whole Lot of Serious Therapy
by RMP
Summary: Link is suffering from saving-the-world syndrome. Aww. [Takes place shortly after OoT. First chapter is sort of an introduction.]
1. Unqualified Help

A Whole Lot of Serious Therapy  
  
Chapter 1: Unqualified Help  
  
The huge beast reared up and roared. Navi identified him as Ganon. Link silently wished he was the Kakariko begger boy instead of the Hero of Time.  
  
Link looked up into Ganon's hideous face. _I'm going to need a whole lot of serious therapy when this is over, _he thought.  
  
---  
  
After Link defeated Ganon, Zelda returned Link to his original time. Link would rather have been a kid than an adult, but he consoled himself by thinking it would only be seven years before he'd be big again.  
  
Seven years later, Link was big again. But he also suffered from insomnia, paranoia, and countless other things.  
  
Link had lived with the Kokiri until he started getting older and they didn't. Then he moved in with Darunia, the Goron leader and his "brother". Darunia was worried about his "brother's" well-being, and decided to hire a therapist. After searching for somebody in Hyrule that could actually call themself a therapist, he came upon the strange old guy that lived in the Lake Hylia Laboratory.  
  
After much argument, Link finally agreed to go see the strange old guy. He got on Epona (his horse which Malon had finally agreed to let him have a while back since going back seven years made Link lose everything he'd strived to collect in Hyrule) and rode to the Lake Hylia Laboratory.  
  
The strange old guy was all too happy to see Link.  
  
"Come in! Come in! I may seem a little excited, well I am! King Zora promised to send me some Eyeball Frogs for tonight and I just can't wait. What were you here for again? Oh yea! Therapy! Okay, let's go outside, it's kinda blue in here. Very sad."  
  
Link had a slight suspicion that the old man needed therapy more than him. He also thought that the man could be one of Ganondorf's followers that had somehow eluded the suspicion of his fellow Hyrulians and was secretly planning to ambush Link in his sleep.  
  
The strange old guy had no idea Link had these suspicions, of course, and just continued talking. "Call me Sog. It stands for strange old guy, that's what everyone seems to think I am for some reason. So it's sort of a nickname. I don't exactly remember my real name, I think those eyeball frogs mushed up my brain some."  
  
They walked across the bridges and sat down by the tree on the island in the middle of the lake.  
  
"So, Link, is it? Well, I'm Sog! And before we get started, I want to see how deep you can dive, so go on, show me."  
  
Link, who used to be able to dive really far with the gold scale, had lost both gold and silver scales when traveling back in time and could dive no more than 3 feet. So, he used the oldest excuse in the book; "My dog...ate my...lungs? So I can't hold my breath."  
  
Sog, who was very gullible, being half crazy himself, believed Link. "Well, that's no good. I don't know how to treat you if I don't know how deep you can dive. It helps me decide your treatment plan. So, I can't help you. I'm terribly sorry. So go on, go home."  
  
Link thought that was the dumbest excuse he'd ever heard, but was glad for a reason to get away from Sog (since he was still very suspicious of Sog's motives) and quickly left Lake Hylia and returned to Goron's City.  
  
---  
  
Darunia was outraged. "He won't help you because you can't dive?! That's crazy! Well, we'll just have to teach you to dive, won't we?"  
  
"No, no. I don't want to go back to him. He scares me."  
  
"Fine, I'll find someone else for the job." 


	2. Hopping Dimensions

Chapter 2: Hopping Dimensions  
  
Darunia had a genius idea. He was going to send Link to a whole different world, where there was no such thing as hideous monsters like Ganon, to find help. He was going to send Link all by himself, but Link persuaded him to come to. So Darunia spent a whole day searching for a good disguise so no one would think he was weird in this other world, since there were no Gorons, either.  
  
Darunia's costume consisted of a dress (that had to be custom made for his big size), a straw hat, and some sandals, since there was no way he'd get his feet in any other shoe. If he wasn't yellow and didn't have so many muscles, Link thought he might actually pass as a regular looking person like himself.  
  
On the day of their departure, Darunia took Link to the little ledge by the bomb flower near the entrance of Goron City.  
  
"Alright, this is what you do. You grab a handful of sand, throw it as hard as you can, yell 'Earth' at the top of your lungs, and jump. Then you'll be on Earth, which is where we're going." [A/N: I know it doesn't make sense, but this is a humor story, it doesn't HAVE to make sense.]  
  
"And what's to say we don't fall to our deaths?" Link asked.  
  
"Just trust me. We'll do it together. Get your sand." They both grabbed a handful of sand.  
  
"1...2...EARTH!" they both screamed it at the top of their lungs, threw their sand, and jumped.  
  
_I'm going to die,_ Link thought, _I'm going to die with this moron and everyone's going to think I'm crazy, too._  
Finally Link hit solid ground. Somebody screamed. Link heard a lot of unfamiliar noises and wondered where he was. He opened his eyes. He was laying next to some kind of trail that was hard, unlike the dirt ones he was used to in Hyrule. Cars zoomed past, but Link thought they were some kind of horse that had evolved over time. He thought it was kind of strange that the people were riding inside the horses instead of on them.  
  
Someone put their hand on Link's shoulder. He practically jumped out of his skin from fright.  
  
"Link!" Darunia said. "Get up!"  
  
"Oh, it's just you," Link said. He turned around to see Darunia trying to straighten his dress and put his hat back on. Several people were pointing at him. 


	3. First Session

Chapter 3: First Session  
  
The next two days Link and Darunia stayed in this building that was apparently called a "hotel". When the lady at the front desk asked them to pay, Darunia presented her with some of Dodongo Cavern's finest rocks. The lady thought they were from a loony bin of some sort and insisted they go on without payment, since she didn't want to have them go on a rampage or anything.  
  
Darunia spent the time trying to find out where he could find someone to help Link. Link, on the other hand, thought he was a hopeless case by that point because this Earth place was driving him insane. The rumble from the evolved horse-things outside never stopped, and there was this box thing that had people moving around and talking in it and Link didn't know how to turn it off. It scared him beyond reason; he thought it was some evil thing Ganondorf invented to spy on him. It didn't occur to him that Ganondorf couldn't invent anything while locked away.  
  
Finally Darunia found out about this person called a "psychiatrist" that was supposed to help people like Link. He walked around on the street asking random people where he could fine one until someone finally walked Link and Darunia there. Darunia went inside to "discuss a few things". When he walked out about an hour later, there was a lady with him who looked slightly annoyed but mostly freaked out at Darunia and his disguise. Darunia pushed Link towards the door and Link went in with the lady.  
  
"Okay, so you're Link, you come from a whole other world that nobody's ever heard of, and you've had to save the world numerous times. Correct?"  
  
"Uh... yes."  
  
"Okay, sit down." Link sat. "So, that lady... thing says you're paranoid. What're you paranoid about?"  
  
"Ganondorf. And... evil stuff. Because I've had to save the world a bunch of times and every time I do something other evil thing happens and I have to do it again and I don't want to do it again."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"It's like... no matter what I do I've still got to do it again. It's not fair! And, I wasted all that time collecting all these cool weapons and stuff, and then Zelda sent me back in time and I lost it all."  
  
"Who's Zelda?"  
  
"Princess Zelda. She's the one that made me save the world in the first place."  
  
"I sense hostility towards Zelda."  
  
"No! I like Zelda. She just never listens to me. I remember when I met her. She asked me a bunch of questions and even if I said no she wouldn't let me go or say anything else or anything until I said yes. So how could I tell her I didn't want to get the tri-force because I knew something would go wrong and I'd end up having to fight Ganondorf? It's like that Raura guy, the sage. He didn't let me say anything, so how could I tell him I didn't want to wake up all the sages? I mean, doesn't he have an alarm gossip stone or something to wake them up? And do you know how scary it is to fight a shadow of yourself? 'Dark Link' my butt. And to fight a hand with a big welt on it? Or a fire breathing dragon that wants to eat me? Darunia wanted me to rescue the Gorons, he was supposed to fight the dragon. But he didn't, so I had to do it."  
  
Link stopped. He was out of breath.  
  
"Great! That's a good start. Now I want you to write a song about how you feel about having to do all this for everyone. Have it ready by tomorrow at 3, that's when your next appointment is. Bye."  
  
Link got up and walked out. 


	4. Don't Wanna Save the World No More

**Chapter 4: Don't Wanna Save the World No More**

By 3 the next day, Link had finished his song. He brought it to the lady and gave it to her. She wanted him to sing it, but he refused, so she read it instead.

_Hey, look, everybody!_

_It's a dork that flies_

_And what's with that magic light?_

_And then when I kill him_

_Green glop flies everywhere_

_Zelda made me get these stones_

_From some places I've never known_

_Big Goron guy trying to hug me to death_

_And when I finally get all the stones_

_The master sword locks me away_

_Like I'm the bad guy_

_When I'm finally out, this old guy's telling me_

_That I have to wake a bunch of sages_

_I've got to fight a phantom,_

_A dragon,_

_My own shadow,_

_Am I going crazy here?_

_And when it's finally all done,_

_Ganondorf's locked away for good,_

_Zelda sends me back in time again,_

_And no one remembers what I've done!_

_The Goron's thought I was crazy_

_When I told them what I'd done for them_

_But then I gave them a daisy_

_And they believed me again_

_I'm not crazy, everyone else is_

_I don't wanna save the world again_

"Well," the lady said when she'd finished, "It is interesting... I don't understand most of it, but it is interesting. You did the rhyming real good at the end." She actually thought it was horrible, and was very glad that Link didn't have a record deal.

"What was the point of doing that?"

"I don't know. Release bottled up anger, perhaps? Or relieve stress? How am I supposed to know?"

"Alright," Link said.

"Anyway, tell me more about this Ganondorf guy. He's supposed to be evil, right?"

"Yes. He's the King of the Gerudos. Every 100 years a male Gerudo is born, and he becomes the King over all the other Gerudos, who are females. I had a Gerudo membership card before Zelda sent me back in time, so I was in with the Gerudos, but I don't think Ganondorf knew that. He wanted to take the Tri-Force and rule Hyrule. When he tried, the whole world became evil and the Tri-Force separated into three parts. I had a part, Ganondorf had a part, and Zelda had a part."

"And where's Ganondorf now?"

"In some thing that has to do with the Sacred Realm (A/N: I can't exactly remember where he was sealed because I haven't beat the game in a while, so let's pretend Link forgot too!). The sages sealed him there. But he'll be back! I know it. Because no matter how many times I save the world, I have to do it again."

"Next time refuse to do it, then."

"I can't! Everyone always talks me into it. It's nerve-racking. And everytime I do it I have this odd feeling that I'm going to get squashed. Why can't someone else do it?"

"Because no one else has the mind capacity I have to figure out all the tricks and stuff."

"Harsh, maybe?"

"No, just truthful. I doubt anyone else I've met in Hyrule could've figured out the Water Temple, with the changing water levels and all. And no one else could've figured out some of the stuff in the Shadow and Spirit Temples. I have the ability to do it, so I have to do it."

"Okay, well that's all for today. See you."

"Do I have to come back? I don't think I need to."

"No," the lady said. Link walked out and she mumbled, "Please don't. I've met plenty of loony psychos in my day, but you take the cake. Psh. Saving the world. What a bunch of baloney."

Link walked outside to find Darunia sitting there. Darunia jumped up instantly and said, "How'd it go?!"

"I don't have to go back!" Link exclaimed triumphantly.

"You're not paranoid or anything anymore?"

"I still can't sleep at night, but that's normal because I went all that time not sleeping at all when I saved Hyrule."

"Well, that's something I can fix. See, I spent some time looking around and researching stuff, and I found these two things that's supposed to make you sleep better. Well, actually, one makes you sleep and the other makes you hyper, whatever that is. But I figure they mean the same thing, so I got both. The strange thing is, the people didn't want my payment this time either, they just let me have them free. Isn't that strange?"

"Mm, yep," Link said, "but I have a question. Once we finish all that, how are we supposed to get back home?"

Darunia pondered for a minute. Suddenly, his face lit up, "You know," he said. Then he frowned, "That's a good question."


	5. The Effects of Caffeine on a Hero

Before I start, thanks goes out to Linkie90 for her faithful reviewing. The reviews (not just from Linkie but from EVERYONE) inspired me to write Chapter 4 and this chapter. So thanks, and click that review button! You know you wanna!

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**Chapter 5: The Effects of Caffeine on a Hero**

After Link and Darunia returned to the hotel, Darunia decided to try some of the things he bought on Link. One thing was a box of coca-cola. The other was some sleeping pills. Darunia decided to try the coca-cola first (A/N: Gorons must have bad logic, huh?).

"Okay, we'll make this a contest. There are 12 cans here, so we'll each get 6. Whoever drinks their 6 first wins. Then we'll both get some shut-eye, even though I'm not the one that's been awake the past who-knows-how-long."

"Mmkay," Link wasn't worried in the least bit. He was so happy about not having to go back to that scary lady that there wasn't room for worry.

Darunia put 6 cans in front of Link and 6 in front of himself.

"Oh! Wait a minute! I almost forgot, I bought this other thing that said it had sugar in it, and since sugar and sleep both start with s, I figured it'd help." (A/N: Again, that amazing Goron logic)

Darunia had bought 10 Pixie Sticks. He halved them with Link; 5 to Link, 5 to Darunia.

"Whoever finishes first... wins!" Darunia exclaimed.

"1...2...3...GO!" Link yelled. Link put the skills he had obtained drinking all the potions and Lon Lon Milk to use; he downed 1 can of coke without stopping for air. He then viciously ripped open a Pixie Stick, tilted it completely vertical, and dropped the contents into his mouth.

Darunia was a little slower; he had to stop for air halfway in between his coke but had no problem with his pixie stick. They continued like that until Link yelled "Done!" so suddenly that he scared Darunia half to death, causing Darunia to rip his last Pixie Stick in half, dropping powder all over the floor.

Darunia finished his last coke while Link stared at the powder. Then the sugar rush kicked in.

"WOO! WOOO! Let's sweep it up then we can run around and throw powder on people and yell PEEKABOO!" Link exclaimed. He was jumping up and down with excitement. Darunia tore off his dress, took off his sandals, and threw his hat across the room and started beating his chest, like a monkey... or like he did when Link saved Dodongo's Cavern, whichever you prefer.

Anyway, he beat his chest and started yelling, "Wee wee look at me, I'm a monkey in a tree!"

"You're naked!" Link yelled.

"Oh, my parts are showing!"

They continued running around the hotel, breaking stuff, and yelling at each other until, after close to an hour and a half, the sugar rush faded away and Darunia and Link were left lying on the floor of the hotel, too tired to move. Darunia had a mattress from one of the beds on him, courtesy of Link, and Link was covered in pillows from their pillow fight. The TV was lying on the floor next to the window, and it would probably never work again. If you looked out the window you'd see all of the hotel's residents out on the street, looking up at the hotel fearfully. They'd heard the rampaging going on in Link and Darunia's room, and thinking that the hotel was falling down, fled to the streets.

It was chaos, all right. And Link and Darunia might be the ones that have to pay for it. Who knows?


	6. Homeward Bound: The Incredible Fall

**Chapter 6: Homeward Bound: The Incredible Fall**

"Woah! That was fun!" Darunia said one hour later, after being evicted from the hotel because of the damage they'd caused. Once again, they didn't have to pay, because now the hotel officials were even more afraid of these loonies.

"When do we get to try the sleeping pills? Because if sleeping's that fun, I can't wait to do it again!" Link said.

"Well, first let's try to get home, that way, we can show everyone how fun hyper is!" Darunia exclaimed.

"Genius idea," Link agreed. "But how are we going to get home?"  
"No problem, my friend. I've got it all figured out," Darunia assured him. "We'll do the same thing. Find a really tall cliff, like the one on Death Mountain, throw some sand, yell 'Hyrule!' and jump. It's got to work, it worked the first time, didn't it?"

"Okay, but where do we find a cliff?"

Suddenly, a cliff popped up out of no where. (A/N: It's fictional, anything can happen!)

"That's convenient! There's one right there! I could've sworn it wasn't there earlier," Darunia said.

"Let's go then."

Link and Darunia ran over to the cliff. They looked down. It looked even a little less high than the one on Death Mountain.

"Dirt at the ready," Darunia said. They both picked up a handful of dirt.

"1...2...3..." Link said. They both threw the dirt with all their might and yelled "Hyrule!"

Link waited for them to land in Hyrule. The good news is that they did land. The bad news is that they landed on their backs on the planet called Earth right under the cliff.

_I'm going to kill Darunia,_ Link thought, _right after I can move my body again._


End file.
